About Mum..

I am drawn to Lee Wei Ling's article in ST today - " Difficult to accept a loved one's suffering - feeling compassion with a detachment is wise, but tough when it comes to mama".

It is not one that is filled with an emotionally charged content but its simplicity and straight forward sharing reveals a daughter and family's love and pain when seeing a loved one endless suffering.

My heart tugs when reading this for it brings back memories of mum and our times with her, especially those care giving days. Both sister and I were well aware of mum's suffering and herstep by step deterioration and we tried to be equipped with knowledge, skills and alternative therapists to give her the best possible care so as to give her some level of quality life and sense of well being.

Alas, despite all of these, many a times we stood by her helplessly while seeing her wriggling in pain and crying for some form of release.. even death.

Many a times, we struggled endlessly for her early release to a better realm and yet held strongly to our attachment for her, wishing for her to stay with us for another day.

Many a times, we thought we were ready for mum's departure but when it really happened, we were devastated and the void she left behind was huge. One is NEVER really ready for a very dear and loved one's departure..at least this holds so true for me.

Today after more than a year, I miss her still and I guess, I will continue to miss her till I close my eyes one day. She is so much a part of me and my life. Sometimes, the missing is so great and sore that I cry for her so... but increasingly I learn to let that happen in that instance but not to indulge needlessly in this.

For mum would not want me to be like this - she wants me to be healthy, happy and live a full and fruitful life.

I am a practicing lay Buddhist and guided by the practicing principles.

For these two simple and good reasons, I am good to move on.