13 May 2010... A Year On..

On this calendar date at 10.10 am a year ago, mummy left me.

The love that fills the aching heart is boundless.

I long to see her once again,
Touch her once again,
Hug her once again,
Kiss her once again,
Talk to her once again,
Laugh with her once again,
And hear her calling me Ah Nee Ah once again...

I am heart broken because her body is no longer on this earth,
And this is simply a daughter's longing for mum.

But I know and am glad that she is somewhere well and happy.
It is a new Her with a new life force..
Pursuing a Path that is meaningful..

And I also know
Her Love will always be here for me

All I need to be mindful of
Is to take a peek into my heart
As I move along life
To reach out to Her
And Her love will simly fill me all over again

Mummy,
I love you so..
And do not worry about me
I will take care and be good
Live a life that is of value
And I know... You will wait for me somewhere,
In time to come
We will meet.
Again.

Goodbyes.....

Goodbyes are easy when you assume that you are going to see that person again. And again.

And such goodbyes are normally joyous or at least, easy.

Saying goodbye to a departing or departed friend or dear one is tough.

Sometimes shocking even.

My ex-colleague from Kelly just passed away. Suddenly. Without reason. And in his prime.

How does one make sense of this?

This is the reality of life.

Impermanence.

It happens all the time - this moment, to anyone, to any being, to any living being.

Lets not wait for another incident to wake up.

Stay mindful and practice.

Time waits no one.

Really...

Dear friend, 一路好走...

Birthday

Today is mum's birthday.

Everything seems to move real slow since I woke up in the morning. Taking time to remember her instead of celebrating with her feels surreal and unfamiliar. Missing her is an understatement but I am smiling a little more whenever I think of her nowadays.

It has been quite a journey of self reflection, re-evaluation, acceptance and closures since her passing. Not all is done and complete but I am getting there.

I dreamt of her recently and she looked really hearty and was smiling so beautifully. I was just about to hug her when I got awakened by the alarm. Not meant to be but I felt calm and glad to see her in my dream again. Interestingly, this time round, I was not part of the dream but a mere observer of the scenes that flashed by. Change of mindset? Perhaps and hopefully a positive one as well.

I am going home this evening to offer my prayers and thoughts to her. It is comforting to know and feel that she is well. I know she loves me dearly no matter where she is and it is this love that helps me to move on as well.

Happy Birthday Mummy..

Been A While..

Yes indeed, it has been a while since I last blogged.

A life that is packed with work and more work is not something interesting to blog about. And when there seemed to have some small observations or unique episodes in between, they dissolved into nothingness very quickly.

Am I really that busy and tired to be mindful and practice the needful? I dwell a little too much on what I really want to do next - perhaps a lot more too much than I care to admit.

I chanced upon an article in Women's Weekly this morning and find that people are reaching out to life coaches to help find some insights into their next life choice. They seem happy after the session.

I wonder - is this something I should get on to do as well? Talk to an expert and understand myself better?
What exactly about me that I do not really understand?
What exactly about my needs and aspirations that I am not really aware of?
What exactly about my self-lacking attributes or personalities (which I really do not know at this juncture) that is holding me back really?

No harm in a little chat I guess but I am not one person who opens up readily to another, especially an unfamiliar one to be exact.

I am standing at the same spot as I first stood here on this bit years ago. I know and am aware of this. Yet I allow the loop to continue and be endless..

Because I did not do anything about it. I simply think about it, allowing my emotions to take control of it - from being nonchalent to being clueless to being fearful and even frustrated. Period.

And still, nothing is going to happen or change unless I take that one first conscious step to go deep inside me to uncover, understand and accept - be it with someone or by myself.

This step.. I know... must happen... Soon.

First Lunar New Year Without Mum

It has been 8 months plus since I lost mum and the missing bit remains strong.

As the time draws near to a brand new Lunar Year, the world seems suddenly so empty and the sense of desperation and anguish appear to be eternity.. The pain of her absence is so acute that her images, laughter, loving hugs, wise words... flash through the mind like a looped video.

Last evening, as we offered our prayers to mum, sister and I were so overwhelmed that tears simply fell like rain...

Mummy......
This moment
I am missing you so much more
And .. words fail me.. this very moment...