Birthday

Today is mum's birthday.

Everything seems to move real slow since I woke up in the morning. Taking time to remember her instead of celebrating with her feels surreal and unfamiliar. Missing her is an understatement but I am smiling a little more whenever I think of her nowadays.

It has been quite a journey of self reflection, re-evaluation, acceptance and closures since her passing. Not all is done and complete but I am getting there.

I dreamt of her recently and she looked really hearty and was smiling so beautifully. I was just about to hug her when I got awakened by the alarm. Not meant to be but I felt calm and glad to see her in my dream again. Interestingly, this time round, I was not part of the dream but a mere observer of the scenes that flashed by. Change of mindset? Perhaps and hopefully a positive one as well.

I am going home this evening to offer my prayers and thoughts to her. It is comforting to know and feel that she is well. I know she loves me dearly no matter where she is and it is this love that helps me to move on as well.

Happy Birthday Mummy..

Been A While..

Yes indeed, it has been a while since I last blogged.

A life that is packed with work and more work is not something interesting to blog about. And when there seemed to have some small observations or unique episodes in between, they dissolved into nothingness very quickly.

Am I really that busy and tired to be mindful and practice the needful? I dwell a little too much on what I really want to do next - perhaps a lot more too much than I care to admit.

I chanced upon an article in Women's Weekly this morning and find that people are reaching out to life coaches to help find some insights into their next life choice. They seem happy after the session.

I wonder - is this something I should get on to do as well? Talk to an expert and understand myself better?
What exactly about me that I do not really understand?
What exactly about my needs and aspirations that I am not really aware of?
What exactly about my self-lacking attributes or personalities (which I really do not know at this juncture) that is holding me back really?

No harm in a little chat I guess but I am not one person who opens up readily to another, especially an unfamiliar one to be exact.

I am standing at the same spot as I first stood here on this bit years ago. I know and am aware of this. Yet I allow the loop to continue and be endless..

Because I did not do anything about it. I simply think about it, allowing my emotions to take control of it - from being nonchalent to being clueless to being fearful and even frustrated. Period.

And still, nothing is going to happen or change unless I take that one first conscious step to go deep inside me to uncover, understand and accept - be it with someone or by myself.

This step.. I know... must happen... Soon.

First Lunar New Year Without Mum

It has been 8 months plus since I lost mum and the missing bit remains strong.

As the time draws near to a brand new Lunar Year, the world seems suddenly so empty and the sense of desperation and anguish appear to be eternity.. The pain of her absence is so acute that her images, laughter, loving hugs, wise words... flash through the mind like a looped video.

Last evening, as we offered our prayers to mum, sister and I were so overwhelmed that tears simply fell like rain...

Mummy......
This moment
I am missing you so much more
And .. words fail me.. this very moment...

Just do it

Thinking is difficult.
Doing is easy.

I am procrastinating.
Needlessly.

There are things to be done:

Albums that need to be completed.
Mum's story that needs to be completed.
My health that needs to be taken care of.
My mental well being that needs to be balanced.
My spiritual well being that needs to be nurtured.
My knowledge curve that needs to be enhanced.
Family that needs to be cherished.
Friendships that need to be nurtured.
People that need to be helped along the way.

Enough.
Lets get started
And get these done.

Today.
This moment.

Lunar New Year

The steps of lunar new year is drawing near... For some reason, my sister and I have not picked up the momentum to prepare the necesary.

Each instance of prayer offering like giving thanks for a safe year to date brings an emptiness from mum's absence.

Time flies and mummy has left us for almost 9 months. Time has dulled the pain a little but not the yearning for her presence. Both sister and I miss her loads. At every other moment - when I am at the temple, when I am lieing in bed ready to sleep, when I am at a vegetarian stall, when I am in the train, when I am working... and the list goes on.

Mum has been such a great part of my life that the void is now so huge, almost like an abyss.

She lives in my heart always.
And I take comfort that she is well and good at a good place.

I love her to bits.
And I take comfort in the gentle smile I break into whenever I think of her.

Her loving kindness and compassion has left an impact.
And I take pride in emulating her positive traits.

Her love lives on.
And I see warm beautiful light whenever I feel her love.

Mummy...
I am you for your blood flows in me..
I am you for your guidance flows in me..
I am you for your love flows in me.. \

I will strive on... to be a righteous person.. and live a meangful life - one that both mummy and I will be will be proud of.........