要懂得知足，才能常乐。。。

Sick

Last Friday, I came down with high fever, flu and bronchitic cough.

I had felt it coming a few days prior but I chose to ignore it and still pushed my body hard. It just that I didn't realize that I was that tired physically and mentally.

The illness hit me strongly and without mercy. I felt severely debilitated especially from the throbbing cough, inflamed airways,never ending phlegm and aches. Deep in my heart, I also knew that our attempt to have that little miracle would have failed without question. Each time I popped the antibiotics into my system, I felt a sense of loss coursing through me. No doubt the medicine was meant to heal, it concurrently kills as well.

WY remains caring and loving. He never fails to understand what causes my distress and can come up with something meaningful to allay them. He is a godsend and I must have done something right in my past life to have deserved such a wonderful husband.

WY is the most important person in my life and I shudder to even think of a day without him in my life.

Certain things are simply not meant to be. Really have to put things in perspective and start moving on. Yes.... so I shall...

七上八下。。。乱七八糟。。。

今早好姐妹来了。

开始的时候，心情还挺平静。。。可当宝贝抱我的那一刹那，内心充满了六陈杂味，整颗心直坠谷底。。宝贝的谅解和温柔细语肯定是我的安慰，是自己一时还无法释怀。。。

我知人生不可能永遠事事如意，可那一股强列的沮丧感直侵袭而来，而泪水也不听使唤的流了下来。。。

此刻，真正感叹“事与愿违“，“命里无时莫强求”。。。

咳。。。是的。。。是时候让自己学习真真正正看开，放下。。。 放下这渴望，才能无挂碍。。。 无挂碍，才是一味解烦丹。。。 而解烦丹，也就是所谓的快乐自在吧。。。

Ah Mah's 84th Birthday

Ah Mah turned 84 last Saturday. In her current state, she wouldn't know about such special occasion any more but the gathering of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren certainly brought her spirits up.

For some moments, she managed to carry out some very intelligent conversations with her loved ones. And she could even called out our cousin's name Ah Hock to take pictures of her and the grand birthday cake.

Overall, the celebration was quietly carried out without too much hipe. This is somewhat different from my family because we tend to be more boisterous and celebrations are often marked with adults chatting or cooking fervently, kids playing happily and everyone digging in heartily.

Still, it's the warmth of family gathering together that really matters isn't it? :-)

Praying for the best....

I lost a friend to cancer last week.

Yesterday, I received news from my dearest friend J that the doctor had similar suspicion of possible cancer as the first doctor on her condition. However, this has to be further tested before a confirmation can be concluded.

The uncertainty is a heavy weight. I understand this familiar sentiment all too well. But the only thing I can do is to continue being with her and giving her all the support and love she needs.

I am hoping for the best my friend....

Bangkok encounters...

I experienced something new during the recent weekend getaway in Bangkok.

As with other cities, Bangkok has its own social structure. It has evolved over time and for sure no end is in sight. With the introduction of modernity and technology, Bangkok while energetic, still reeks of excessive will to simply survive.

Not least, little children are everywhere begging for that little help to live. Their innocent eyes are crystal clear yet devoid of feelings.... Adults are more proactive and many resort to little underhand tricks for that extra Baht... Half built complexes bustling with people making their business thrive there... And finally, the cruising of Chao Phraya river which offers a glimpse of traditional riverine lifestyles, also afford insights into the character of the city that can be very intriguing and contradicting...

Bangkok is definitely one that offers opportunities, but the vicious living cycle of the poor also cannot be ignored. How can they break away when basic livelihood is already at stake?

Education is the key to change. Only with right level of knowledge and language skills that one can make that conscious choice to make a difference in his life. But education really depends on the government's efforts in laying the ground right, the family sending the kids to school willingly as well as the means to support the kids and more.

It's not an easy problem to solve. In retrospect, I can't help but begin to appreciate our government's deep belief in education and its relentless effort in ensuring a tight educational fabric where all kinds of kids are covered, be it the usual junior colleges to university for the studious ones or polytechnics and even ITE where kids yearn to learn a viable and practical skill that is relevant to the society.

This is effective only if the kids in return make full use of the system and support given. Thankfully, our parents also believe in education. This is really......... a basic but good start to all things.

Our First Anniversary...

Time flies.... 16 Sept 2008 is our first wedding anniversary..

Overall, the last one year has been loving and nurturing. No doubt there were disagreements but thankfully we adopt an open attitude and keep the communication chain active. These invariably help us to move another step forward as a couple, no matter how small it is.

My hubby is liken to a friend, lover and mate all roll into one. I am blessed. I am thankful. I am contented. I am happy...

The anniversary sets the stage for more things to come, good or bad, positive or negative. Regardless of nature, we will take them in our stride and move on. I am sure our relationship will continue to be work upon so that it is filled with pockets of love, appreciation, joy and laughter..

Happy First Anniversary baby! I love you to bits.........:-)

Reminisce....

Going through the past photos, greeting cards and letters brought flashes of all of my friends and events through my mind like photographic memory... snap..snap..snap....

I have lost contact with all... Daniel Ng Lian Hock, Bee Peng, Doris, Koon Heer, Bee Yong, Mui Lan, Juat Hiang, Yen, Yolanda, William, Kenneth, Foong Mui, Seet Kin, and the list goes on...

My growing up years had been filled with joy, love, pain, sadness, laughter, tears, regrets, achievements and disappointments all rolled together. Thanks to my friends who had in one point or another for contributing to my colourful life.

My friends, I wonder how you are doing but hope that you have been well and happy... I am unsure if we will ever meet again, but I do want to say that if there was any occasion whereby I had unwittingly failed or hurt you previously, I am sorry.

At this moment, thanks for the memory bank where I can still reminisce every now and then.

Take care my friends.....I wish that all things good and beautiful will come your way always...

关系。。。。

人与人之间的关系永远是那么的令人费解...

A person's rationale governs his behaviour, speech and action. When the emotional element comes into picture, all these deliverables become affected. What more when other factors such as environment, peer influence, expectations and more come into picture?

And one's connection with another very often becomes a journey for the parties involved. The possibilities for growth together are limitless, if only the karmic force is nurturing and that there is openness and trust.

I don't think a relationship is about trying to change the other person. After all, we all have our own set of habits, beliefs, emotions and reactions that may or may not serve our lives and our growth well for a start.

But very often, it's only when one party mirrors the hidden belief systems and emotions on the outside then the recipient realize the impact and truth, be it positive or negative.

As we see these, we can either brush aside all or have a choice to look hard within. It is good to let go of our own belief systems and see things objectively and rationally, and start looking at filling the gaps if any. Then perhaps, this is our opportunity for a real change and freedom and a bond can also be formed - with a new understanding of love and a connection that is made on the level of the deepest sort.

But honestly, how many of us really put our hearts into such? It's all about self needs, wants and expectations anyways..

Struggle

Looking at mum's frail and almost lifeless body, I feel nothing but immense pain coursing through my heart and numbing my brain.. Tears are controlled so as not to stress her further.

Trying level best to let go and be prepared for her new journey, if it happens, turns out to be a daily battle. I love her to bits but her debilitating health has taken its toll on her mental and emotional well being as well as her care givers.

I feel tons of guilt whenever I feel that perhaps it is better for her to move on to another realm with GOM. I feel tons of guilt whenever I am not with her when she is in pain. I feel tons of guilt whenever I am so tired and I just want to rest a little. I feel tons of guilt when I see the way Alice takes care of mum and I seem to be so helpless. I feel tons of guilt whenever I don't know what to do with caring mum.

It is a huge struggle for me and I am still having trouble managing it.

If only I have the wisdom and mindful strength to do what needs to be done. If only...

Attachment

There is a kind of monkey trap used in Asia. A coconut is hollowed out and attached by a rope to a tree or stake in the ground. At the bottom of the coconut a small slit is made and some sweet food is placed inside. The hole on the bottom of the coconut is just big enough for the monkey to slide in his open hand, but does not allow for a closed fist to pass out. The monkey smells the sweets, reaches in with his hand to grasp the food and is then unable to withdraw.

The clenched fists won't pass through the opening. When the hunter comes, the monkey becomes frantic but cannot get away. There is no one keeping the monkey captive, except the force of its own attachment. All that it has to do is to open the hand. But so strong is the force of greed in the mind that it is a rare monkey which can let go.

It is the desires and clinging in our minds which keep us trapped. All we need to do is to open our hands, let go of our selves, our attachment, and be free.

The Walk

Working in Suntec tower 4 gives me the opportunity to exercise my limbs everyday from city hall mrt station.

The walk can be as long as 20 minutes depending on one's speed and if one is carrying any other load like laptop. I was a reluctant participant initially, complaining about the distance tiring me out even before the day has begun.

But the unhappiness won't go away just because I dislike the walk. This is a necessity if I wish to report to work everyday.

So I decided to slow down a little and started to enjoy every single moment that I get to experience as I ply through the walkways. The moment of noticing what other people are busying with, the changing window displays, the little patches of landscape that brings warmth to the concrete and more...

The observation may not bring on any emotions or contemplation - as I simply notice and let go. But the experience does give me varying and interesting insights about things and people everyday.

I am now more mindful. Yet I feel calmness. The same walk, different mindset, different impact to one's well being...

Seemingly endless road...................

Thinking is difficult.

But is doing really that easy?

This is but a journey to nowhere - an endless road that is filled with lots of turns and signages but leading nowhere...