About Mum..

I am drawn to Lee Wei Ling's article in ST today - " Difficult to accept a loved one's suffering - feeling compassion with a detachment is wise, but tough when it comes to mama".

It is not one that is filled with an emotionally charged content but its simplicity and straight forward sharing reveals a daughter and family's love and pain when seeing a loved one endless suffering.

My heart tugs when reading this for it brings back memories of mum and our times with her, especially those care giving days. Both sister and I were well aware of mum's suffering and herstep by step deterioration and we tried to be equipped with knowledge, skills and alternative therapists to give her the best possible care so as to give her some level of quality life and sense of well being.

Alas, despite all of these, many a times we stood by her helplessly while seeing her wriggling in pain and crying for some form of release.. even death.

Many a times, we struggled endlessly for her early release to a better realm and yet held strongly to our attachment for her, wishing for her to stay with us for another day.

Many a times, we thought we were ready for mum's departure but when it really happened, we were devastated and the void she left behind was huge. One is NEVER really ready for a very dear and loved one's departure..at least this holds so true for me.

Today after more than a year, I miss her still and I guess, I will continue to miss her till I close my eyes one day. She is so much a part of me and my life. Sometimes, the missing is so great and sore that I cry for her so... but increasingly I learn to let that happen in that instance but not to indulge needlessly in this.

For mum would not want me to be like this - she wants me to be healthy, happy and live a full and fruitful life.

I am a practicing lay Buddhist and guided by the practicing principles.

For these two simple and good reasons, I am good to move on.

Perth

Have been here for the last 3 days with Wei Yih and we managed to plough the streets quite a fair bit including all the way to Fremantle, Serpentine and Mandurah.

Fremantle on the coast provided some carnival sort of atmosphere where street performers engaged the audience just outside the markets and people just strolled in the markets enjoying the various offering of food, groceries, skin care and more. The cafe and eateries strip is swamped with people savouring all kinds of cuisines.

Mandurah is a small town that offers sun, sea and water sports. The sailing museum, dolphin marina, restaurants and markets by the beach offer a different kind of relaxation.

Serpertine is the place where Bodhinyana Buddhist Monastery resides. Both Wei Yih and I were blessed to be able to offer dana to Ajahn Brahm and his sangha and received blessings before lunch. The temple ground exudes tranquility with lush greens and quiet lake. The meditation in the shrine hall was peaceful. The positive energy that I felt and garnered was comforting and invigorating to a certain extent. Is this the place for my practice? Perhaps. Taking that first step to participate is more critical than thinking. More on this bit for sure.

And after a lapse of more than 10 years, Perth itself does not seem to have changed much - the pace is still pretty much slow and strangely, people are still pretty much absent from the streets. Do they have a relaxing life outside the city centre or do they simply disappear into their little haven whenever possible?

Quite amazing but after another day, we are heading home. Home is where we feel most comfortable and cosy after all.

The Knowledge of Healing

It is a pain and never easy to be under the weather for most part of my life. But I guess, the inevitable suffering of physical illness or pain simply reflect the very fact that we are very much alive and human in this samsara. I am just one of such.


As I learn, physical body experiences is pretty much influenced by past karmic actions and current lifestyle. While modern medicine has helped me to a certain degree, it addresses only the ailing part in isolation from the rest, treating it as if fixing a malfunctioning part of a machine. Over the years, I have slowly learned to rely on TCM, sporadic exercises, alternative holistic treatments, diet on top of modern medicine - but the sustenance of a body that is of the right balance remains a challenge.

Have I try too hard too much?

Or like WY said, I actually don't take care of myself well enough?

It has been a long and arduous journey - literally draining and sometimes.... disheartening to the point of wishing that all of these can end.. and I mean end literally...And perhaps I can find some peace...

Sigh.. I need some time to rest a little and rethink.... I really need to relearn to see and understand illness as a reflection of the total body and mind system and seek to balance it through a fundamental re-orientation of my life-style and outlook. Afterall, Buddha had mentioned about the inseparability of the physical aspects of life from the emotional, mental and spiritual aspects.


But how?

Having hope, courage, focus, strong sense of purpose in life - compassion, loving kindness, generousity, wisdom and all positive traits help?? And I know.. these have to be practiced with continued due diligence.

The more demanding the goals, the more expansive a state of enriched life I can learn to appreciate right? No? After all, these should help me to eventually nurture some level of unassailable inner strength. And physical health alone is really not the determining factor for personal happiness. Rather, the challenge of relooking and managing illness should be seen as a self practice to encourage and inspire hope in me? and maybe in.... others as well because by doing so, it may perhaps help provide some form of relief with understanding to others?

Buddha said that death is as much a part of human life as illness and aging and it provides an opportunity for others to contemplate and practice.

Hmm... new philosophy or attitude for me - modern and complementary medicine plus practice of mind and good...... are mutually compatible and complementary....

Let me think again... and rethink....

Old Home At Paya Lebar..

It is very interesting how memory works.. I stayed at a corner terrace house on Upper Paya Lebar Road since I was born and that stay lasted for about 18 years..

After our move to Tampines in 1984, memories of that long stay in Paya Lebar slowly faded into nothingness. I dreamt about that place once in a while but nothing worth mentioning.

And after mum's passing for more than a year, I am slowly noticing that little details of that old home came flashing back into my memory bank -

The little kitchen complete with sink, cooker, cupboard etc..

The dining area where we ate, watched TV, prepared food for festivities and prayer sessions..

The hall where the altar, row of chairs for guests, chair for GOM, table for display, table for study...

The bedroom where wooden beds, cupboards, mattresses and the window that linked to the dining area..

The bathroom where large ceramic urns were used to contain water...

The side corridor where clothes were dried and dad would rest in the day...

The attic where the ceiling was done in an angle that flowed along the house roof, large wooden bed for mum and me and the traditional wood cupboard...

And the little things I did with mum since young - preparing, kneading and washing of flour for vegetarian cooking, making fresh fishcake from fishes caught by mum's friends, preparing and helping out in food preparation such as glutinuous rice with red dates, chicken, and more, filling up the prayer papers diligently for mum, citing the birth dates for mum's friends during their visits to GOM, entertaining mum's friends, cutting and working on jeans, plastic carriers to earn extra money, playing with neighbours along the road and catching little insects and animals like spiders and Pui Muay in the canal...

Wow... it is really amazing..

I come to realise that I have actually done so many things there not just alone or with friends but with mum and her friends as well.... I smile with these recollections...

Honestly, it has been a long growing up process and really, it is good to realise that I have kept these fond and good memories somewhere within me and that they still stay so vivid till today...

Heavy Downpour and Flood

Recently, the heavy downpour resulted in massive flood in Orchard Road and Bukit Timah. Pictures of people cutting through the water with care, cars stalled in the middle of nowhere and goods floating on flowing water brought back some childhood memories.

When we were staying in Paya Lebar, we thought drainage was ample but flood was a common sight when there was heavy rain. The water that flowed along the stretch of main road was muddy and the kids would giggled and played with the water in delight.

Owners of little business like mobile kok kok mee stall or bread stall would stare at the sky with resignation as earnings for the day would be compromised to a great extent.

On such days, I would plead with mum to give me a day of absence from school but she would never agree to it. Education was of utmost importance to her and she knew that without it, we would never have that chance to make a difference in our lives.

I was terrified of the water. But mum would tell me " My dear, do not be afraid. I will be guiding you across the water and bring you safely to the bus-stop".

True to her words, her strong arms would hold me tight, her body would carefully shield me from facing the water when crossing through the drains.

Everything seemed calm with no anxieties. The unbelievable sense of safety and unconditional love simply enveloped all around me. There was no more fear.

This was one of the greatest feeling I have ever experienced and till today, I am grateful to mum for showering me with this warmth.

Thank you mummy... And I sincerely hope that... this precious feeling is something I have ever given to my loved ones, at least once in his or her encounter with me....

The Dumpling Festival, 端午節

Today is the lunar fifth day of fifth month and a time for us to remember Qu Yuan by.

Honestly, my knowledge of this celebration is limited, with mere understanding that Qu Yuan was a Chinese patriot during the period of a corrupt Government in China, and in order to protest against the wrongdoings of the Government, Qu Yuan deliberately jumped into Mi Lo River.

The locals tried to save him while throwing drums and rice into the river to scare away the fishes so that they may not be able to harm Qu Yuan. In order to pay a tribute, patriot, boat races were held and rice thrown into water to symbolize the struggle made to rescue Qu Yuan.

It is interesting that to date, I have never witness a dragon boat race in Singapore nor any other countries like China. However, what is close to my heart is the dumplings.

Today, the variety in the market is wide ranging from simple fare to those with shark's fin or abalone. The one I used to make with mum when I was a teenager contained glutinous rice, belly pork, lean pork, mushrooms, chestnut, and dried prawns.

It was a tradition then to prepare the dumplings - from washing & frying glutinous rice, cutting and marinating the pork and other ingredients to wrapping the dumplings and cooking them in boiling water over burning charcoal.

All of these is art in itself. Mum tried to teach me but I obviously failed the test, and have yet to master the art.

Sigh... Is it a regret? Possibly but I am not harping over this. I shall find time to relook at mum's recipes again. And, I have every intention to learn Mum-in-law's recipes too. These recipes are precious and definitely, food is a good way to help connect and bond family and friends.

Come August, we shall start on the road to learning again.

写在妈妈逝世一周年。。。。

今天是农历四月十九日，也是妈妈去世一周年的祭日。

天时是阴， 时是阳光普照，我的心感到无限的惆怅。。
沉默的上午，都在万佛林点燃的香烛中， 法师的诵经中慢慢度过。。。
看到姐，姐夫，哥哥，嫂子，老公，外甥，姪子，甚至三姐也到齐了，我心里有了些安慰。。

看着燃烧冥钱的火苗和烟雾飘向遥远的天空，
我默默的想念您妈妈
赶不走的是无限缅怀，
抹不掉的是深深思念；
妈妈，
您在师父那里安心休息与修行了吗？
那您还牵挂着我们吗？

在这过去一年里，我几乎每一天都会捧着您的照片与您聊聊天，亲亲您。。
我会向您倾诉我的心声，
在这个世界上，真正懂我、爱我，惜我，
甚至知道我一切的人，就是妈妈您。。
在您那充满爱意的眼神与微笑里，
我读懂了您的意思，
我明白您想对我说的话
我知道您会叮嘱我什么
我都记在心里。。。

妈妈， 您安心吧，
我会好好生活下去，也信一切都会慢慢好起来。。
我相信佛，法，僧
也信轮回，
妈妈，您的音容与恩情将常驻我心里，
希望来世我能与您再续美好的母女缘。。。

祝愿妈妈您
幸福，
安康，
好好把握修行机会，
直到圆满为止。。。

The Lotus

While strolling at the Botanic Garden this morning, both WY and I chanced upon s quaint little pond, modern in its design but simple, where beautiful flowers of the Lotus stood elegantly yet serenely above the water surface.

With the understanding that the Lotus opens in the morning and closes or petals fall in the afternoon, I was really thrilled to see both the pure white and vibrant magenta pink flowers in their full glorious bloom simultaneously.

Well, from what I know, the Lotus is one of the most significant and beautiful symbols in Buddhism. In many instances, you would notice the Bodhisattvas or deities sitting or standing on a Lotus.

The Lotus signifies purity of mind and enlightenment - the pristine flower growing from its roots within the mud and sits above the waters - showing its freedom from the worldly attachments and desires, thus achieving enlightenment.

As the petals open and bask in the positive energy of the sun, it really shows me yet again, the similar journey of a sentient being and the beautiful result of an aspiration to rise above this samsara to gain enlightenment.

While the white Lotus translates to a similar state of complete mental purity and spiritual perfection, the pink is associated with supremity and the Buddha.

Truly... I am thankful that I got to see both at the same time.. And what a timely reminder of what matters and where my focus should be..

Is A Home Haven?

This morning while having breakfast with WY at Bedok market, a boy strutted towards us with a stack of publications. He claimed to be helping out family by selling papers at a dollar per piece. While I was quite impressed by his readiness to help his mum, his defensive, impatient tone and hard figure took me by surprise. And he is a mere 10 year old boy.

Probably poverty or lack of security made his mum decided that this was the best option. But his total lack of childlike innocence and ready smiles plus his stoic stance seemed to indicate a home where bonding, love and guidance within a family is a rarity.

Isn't it natural for all to assume and take for granted that a home is a safe, nurturing haven?

But I guess sociodemographic background variables such as gender, occupation of the parents, living arrangements, home intactness of his family, family income, family size, age and the marital relationship between the parents are in one way or another intertwined to impact the children's behaviour, growth and outlook.

We have seen in papers the increased concerns by the authorities such as the police and the general public on the increasing seriousness of adolescent crime and conduct problems. While there is greater emphasis on educating the young to prevent them from going astray, but it takes so much more between the family and educators to cover the grounds to help groom an upright person with good values and attributes.

Unfortunately, you and I see this ideal falling short of expectations - because the elements at play including the parents are really in a less than ideal state themselves.

Lets make it simple, take a step back and simply look inward within the nuclesus family for a start - the way parents indulge children to instill and fuel that sense of instantaneous gratification... the kind of bonding parents have with their children... the values shared...

Wouldn't our behaviour patterns and thoughts, good or bad, have been appeared to be developed and maintained within the family environment as early as our todlers stage? And for sure, these are likely to remain stable and become strong predictor of social behaviour in our growing up years as teenagers and into adulthood?

The is a complex thing. Many a times my siblings play up my ignorance simply because I am childless. But seriously, does one need to have a child to look at such things? Cant we use an objective mind, our available life knowledge and expertise to rationalise the situation appropriately for some form of viable resolution?

If one follows one style of nurturing a family and it has failed to live up to expectation, does it make sense to revisit, rethink and rework on alternatives?

It is human element that we are talking about not machines or processes. Does this make it even more important to be open, flexible yet encompassing?

I can only say that positive and strong parental support is likely to nurture positively strong relationships between parents and children. Inconsistent parental discipline such as disparate practices over time, failure to monitor, the use of erratic punishment and reward as well as different styles between both parents may likely suggest a result of conduct problems.

Now how do I really know this since I am childless? And why not seriously? My family has this issue to start with. And not just one but but more than two cases.

I rest my case.

Thoughts on Friendships..

People come into our lives for a reason. It can be for a while or for a lifetime.

But once in a while, I still wonder where my friends are and what has happened to them and our friendship.

When I was younger (much much younger I must add), I thought all my friends back then could still be my friends until the day I die. I felt happy with so many friends and the energy was vibrant. Now that I am older, I can count my true friends in my fingers.

Would you judge me that I am not a friend keeper, or would you agree with me that as time passes, we're no longer concerned with the number of friends that we have, but really, the quality of friendship that we build. Distance and time are really, not hindrances to a friendship if we cherish one another.

For friends who have come into my life very briefly- yet supported me in one way or another, and ended the realtionship without any wrongdoing on either person's part, I thank you and I have moved on.

For friends who have come into my life for a longer period of time - shared, grew and learned some great experiences and joy together with me, I thank you and I have moved on too.

For friends who have stayed and built strong emotional foundation with me, I thank you for all of the rain and shine, joys and sadness, sharing and support, love, growth and lessons.

For these friends,
who are caring, loyal and most true,
and accept my best and worst qualities,
I wish for you to know,
I am also your friend,
I love and cherish you,
And wish the same caring, loyalty and most true to you too..

13 May 2010... A Year On..

On this calendar date at 10.10 am a year ago, mummy left me.

The love that fills the aching heart is boundless.

I long to see her once again,
Touch her once again,
Hug her once again,
Kiss her once again,
Talk to her once again,
Laugh with her once again,
And hear her calling me Ah Nee Ah once again...

I am heart broken because her body is no longer on this earth,
And this is simply a daughter's longing for mum.

But I know and am glad that she is somewhere well and happy.
It is a new Her with a new life force..
Pursuing a Path that is meaningful..

And I also know
Her Love will always be here for me

All I need to be mindful of
Is to take a peek into my heart
As I move along life
To reach out to Her
And Her love will simly fill me all over again

Mummy,
I love you so..
And do not worry about me
I will take care and be good
Live a life that is of value
And I know... You will wait for me somewhere,
In time to come
We will meet.
Again.

Goodbyes.....

Goodbyes are easy when you assume that you are going to see that person again. And again.

And such goodbyes are normally joyous or at least, easy.

Saying goodbye to a departing or departed friend or dear one is tough.

Sometimes shocking even.

My ex-colleague from Kelly just passed away. Suddenly. Without reason. And in his prime.

How does one make sense of this?

This is the reality of life.

Impermanence.

It happens all the time - this moment, to anyone, to any being, to any living being.

Lets not wait for another incident to wake up.

Stay mindful and practice.

Time waits no one.

Really...

Dear friend, 一路好走...

Birthday

Today is mum's birthday.

Everything seems to move real slow since I woke up in the morning. Taking time to remember her instead of celebrating with her feels surreal and unfamiliar. Missing her is an understatement but I am smiling a little more whenever I think of her nowadays.

It has been quite a journey of self reflection, re-evaluation, acceptance and closures since her passing. Not all is done and complete but I am getting there.

I dreamt of her recently and she looked really hearty and was smiling so beautifully. I was just about to hug her when I got awakened by the alarm. Not meant to be but I felt calm and glad to see her in my dream again. Interestingly, this time round, I was not part of the dream but a mere observer of the scenes that flashed by. Change of mindset? Perhaps and hopefully a positive one as well.

I am going home this evening to offer my prayers and thoughts to her. It is comforting to know and feel that she is well. I know she loves me dearly no matter where she is and it is this love that helps me to move on as well.

Happy Birthday Mummy..

Been A While..

Yes indeed, it has been a while since I last blogged.

A life that is packed with work and more work is not something interesting to blog about. And when there seemed to have some small observations or unique episodes in between, they dissolved into nothingness very quickly.

Am I really that busy and tired to be mindful and practice the needful? I dwell a little too much on what I really want to do next - perhaps a lot more too much than I care to admit.

I chanced upon an article in Women's Weekly this morning and find that people are reaching out to life coaches to help find some insights into their next life choice. They seem happy after the session.

I wonder - is this something I should get on to do as well? Talk to an expert and understand myself better?
What exactly about me that I do not really understand?
What exactly about my needs and aspirations that I am not really aware of?
What exactly about my self-lacking attributes or personalities (which I really do not know at this juncture) that is holding me back really?

No harm in a little chat I guess but I am not one person who opens up readily to another, especially an unfamiliar one to be exact.

I am standing at the same spot as I first stood here on this bit years ago. I know and am aware of this. Yet I allow the loop to continue and be endless..

Because I did not do anything about it. I simply think about it, allowing my emotions to take control of it - from being nonchalent to being clueless to being fearful and even frustrated. Period.

And still, nothing is going to happen or change unless I take that one first conscious step to go deep inside me to uncover, understand and accept - be it with someone or by myself.

This step.. I know... must happen... Soon.

First Lunar New Year Without Mum

It has been 8 months plus since I lost mum and the missing bit remains strong.

As the time draws near to a brand new Lunar Year, the world seems suddenly so empty and the sense of desperation and anguish appear to be eternity.. The pain of her absence is so acute that her images, laughter, loving hugs, wise words... flash through the mind like a looped video.

Last evening, as we offered our prayers to mum, sister and I were so overwhelmed that tears simply fell like rain...

Mummy......
This moment
I am missing you so much more
And .. words fail me.. this very moment...

Just do it

Thinking is difficult.
Doing is easy.

I am procrastinating.
Needlessly.

There are things to be done:

Albums that need to be completed.
Mum's story that needs to be completed.
My health that needs to be taken care of.
My mental well being that needs to be balanced.
My spiritual well being that needs to be nurtured.
My knowledge curve that needs to be enhanced.
Family that needs to be cherished.
Friendships that need to be nurtured.
People that need to be helped along the way.

Enough.
Lets get started
And get these done.

Today.
This moment.

Lunar New Year

The steps of lunar new year is drawing near... For some reason, my sister and I have not picked up the momentum to prepare the necesary.

Each instance of prayer offering like giving thanks for a safe year to date brings an emptiness from mum's absence.

Time flies and mummy has left us for almost 9 months. Time has dulled the pain a little but not the yearning for her presence. Both sister and I miss her loads. At every other moment - when I am at the temple, when I am lieing in bed ready to sleep, when I am at a vegetarian stall, when I am in the train, when I am working... and the list goes on.

Mum has been such a great part of my life that the void is now so huge, almost like an abyss.

She lives in my heart always.
And I take comfort that she is well and good at a good place.

I love her to bits.
And I take comfort in the gentle smile I break into whenever I think of her.

Her loving kindness and compassion has left an impact.
And I take pride in emulating her positive traits.

Her love lives on.
And I see warm beautiful light whenever I feel her love.

Mummy...
I am you for your blood flows in me..
I am you for your guidance flows in me..
I am you for your love flows in me.. \

I will strive on... to be a righteous person.. and live a meangful life - one that both mummy and I will be will be proud of.........

Departures

Last night, both WY and I watched an interesting, simple yet heartwarming movie. It is about being alive and being aware of what really matters...

I enjoyed it and WY's companionship. It reminds me of our days in TRUMPS where we used to snug up to each other and watched some good shows - laughing together and crying.. more likely I am the one crying and he consoling me.. :-)

Departures tug our hearts in a gentle way, reminding us to cherish the moments and to love your dear one.. Every one has a story and how each story unfolds is beyond one's expectation until the day one is ready to move on to another realm... then the family is around to re-tell, reminisce, close gaps and to carry on the legacy..

Life is a circle of birth and death.
The four seasons of the year signifying the unending circle - spring (birth), summer (growth), autumn (elder years) and winter (death) .
Everyone goes through this
Never ending circle...

The journey of practice and awakening is long
Even arduous
Faith intact
Perseverence stay
One day, the Light will show the way
that breaks free of the circle of life..

A Well Meaning Wish from A Friend..

Greetings to you on the very first Monday of the New Year 2010 !

The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new date on the calendar. Step in new year with a desire to become better with ideas, plans, skills, faith, time, money, leadership, health and relationships. Become the person you truly desire to be and accomplish the set goals for 2010.

Someone has said it in simple yet powerful words - “Don’t go the way life takes you, take life the way you go.” Wonderful !

Your purpose of life help you discover yourself. Very few realize how magnificent they are. Most often we are quick to recognize the magnificence of animals --a pod of whales, pride of lions, or herd of horses. Yet, we are slow to understand the greatness of humanity. You see, we are the answer we seek, but don't realize it. You can discover your own magnificence by acting kindly. By being compassionate. By helping others. By making a difference. As we do these things, we discover our power and greatness. And life generously provides ample opportunities for us to practice, develop, and enhance our skills.

Choose to become balanced spiritually, emotionally and physically. Our lives are best when we have these three major areas in balance. Spend some time cultivating your spirituality, becoming emotionally healthy, and physically fit.

Choose to sow more than you reap. There are many takers in this world, but our lives will be better as we become givers. See your work as a way to help others, and not just money making. If you put your heart into helping others, the prosperity will most assuredly come.

We are not here to take from life, but to contribute to it. The purpose of life is to lead a life of purpose. When we have a reason for being, life becomes meaningful. James Allen has said it wisely -- "Life is a great school for the development of character, and all, through strife and struggle, vice and virtue, success and failure, are slowly but surely learning the lessons of wisdom." So true.

Begin the new year with purpose, and end the year with results !

Once again, I wish you and your family – A Very Happy New Year 2010 !!!

With best regards,

Avadhoot Patwardhan

Zest For Life..

Many a times WY tells me that my lethargy stems from the fact that I do not have the zest for life.

I wonder the extent of truth of this obervation. Yes, I do show disinterest in a fair bit of things but does disinterest imply lack of zest for life?

And really, what or who inspire me?

I haven't the faintest idea but I am touched or inspired when I see one is generous, or when a kind act is being conducted, or when one acts against all odds to establish some form of good.

Yes, I do find life a weary at times.
Yes, I do snap at my little nephews, nieces or loved ones when I am tired.
Yes, I do think of the worst when something happens.
Yes, I do want to hibernate all the time.
Yes, I have stopped reading.
Yes, I have not reaching out to my favourite music.
Yes, I even stop meditating...

And YES, there is lots of room to improve.

My life this time round as a human is rare and precious.
It is a choice on how I want to live it, meaningfully, joyfully, appreciatively, and fruitfully.

Silence is good.
So is wise words, thoughts and actions.

Let my body and soul calm a little, rest a little, grow a little.

Yes... mental note not enough.
Thinking is difficult. Doing is easy....

Do it.